Day’s Without Incident: One

Trugger warnings: self-harm, trauma responses

There aren’t a lot of people in the world who roll over in the mornings, grab their phones, and tune into the latest blog update from their favorite writer. I'm not saying blogs are obsolete—you’ve obviously found your way here one way or another. I don’t necessarily have to be your favorite writer to be the person you come to for a break from this cruel world. I livestream on social media not because I think I am the best at what I do, but because I know I have the ability to spread positivity and awareness in a way that doesn’t discredit or alienate anyone just because our opinions differ from one another. With the invention of an algorithm that is tailored to your every thought, desire, and pre-determined need—one that can literally listen to you and produce hours worth of content that will never bore you or disagree with you—you have a lot more options out there.

Hell, whose to say that my story will even resonate with you the way that bright-eyed, bubbly influencer does, or that you’ll even gain anything the time you start reading until you reach the end? It becomes harder to grieve, empathize, or even pity the writer who lacks image and audio as a resource to convey their message. Words don’t always grip onto your consciousness the way a video from a terrified family of immigrants pleading for help from anyone who will listen would.

Poems, essays, stories, and other art forms keep us at arms length from the dismembered, disheveled, and destroyed bodies, houses, and land of our fellow men, women, and children overseas. Our western society is very good at selecting a handful of issues to care about while turning a blind eye to more irreversible and permanent problems that perpetuate things like racism, misogyny, capitalism and elitism in our school system, workplace, social life, and even within our own homes.

I would argue that the roughly twenty-percent of adults in the U.S. who graduated with liberal arts degrees understand more about systemic racism, sexism, and rampant capitalism than their peers who may have gone into pre-med or marine biology. I’m a big believer in using research to lock in my thoughts and feelings. I take a very methodical approach to understanding my body, my place in society, and the effects that my existence has on the world around me. 

That’s why I wanted to start this blog back up, but this time, with an established through-line. I want to combine my skills as a creative writing and sociology double major. I have been existing in a turbulent reality. My thoughts have shifted on just about everything, and all because I choose to educate myself and create my own thoughts and opinions. As I take control over my existence and learn the ways trauma has been stored in my bones, muscles, and neural pathways, I want to bring you along for the ride. 

Think of this as a symptom log. As it stands now, I have tried to swallow my true thoughts and shame for so long that a benign growth has formed on my submandibular lymph nodes just below my chin on the right side. There have been two lumps there since December 2022. The doctors did CT scans, ultrasounds on my neck, mold tests, VNGs, bloodwork analyses, transnasal endoscopies, and so much more. After meeting with several ENTs along the east coast for a second, third, forth, and fifth opinion, the doctors decided that a mix of allergy medications, steroids, and a change in my diet and other lifestyle choices would be the best treatment plan. 

It’s been almost a year now since I’ve seen a doctor about the lumps. Instead, I decided to start doing my own research. It all started with this old research book I thrifted which taught me all about how the body can physically react to prolonged stress and trauma. There was a whole chapter on neck lumps! After finishing that book and highlighting nearly every paragraph on each and every page, I moved on to The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D.. This only exasperated my curiosity on the ways that trauma and stress can physically impact your body even after a traumatic event has passed.

And then I had the fantastic idea to revamp my blog to keep track of this journey to self-help and truly understanding my body’s relationship with stress. I have always been on the outside of what’s considered “normal”. The scars on my arms used to mean I was the “volatile” and “dramatic” one in the family. Now I understand that self-harm was a—of course, misdirected and unhealthy—coping mechanism I used to deal with complicated emotions that I wasn’t able to deal with at such a young age.

We’re going to unpack so many of these issues as this blog unfolds into this new format, so don’t worry if this isn’t making any sense to you quite yet. We will get to know—well, I would say each other, but I guess I just mean—me over these next couple of weeks. And, if you ever have any questions, or if these stories speak to you in some way, don’t hesitate to drop a comment below! I’d love to help you unpack your misery, too. This journey isn’t easy, and I will never recommend that someone deal with these issues alone, so if a therapist is the correct choice for you, then I urge you to take those steps. While western medicine is not the avenue that I will be using, all of the mindfulness and grounding techniques I will be practicing are well researched and studied by mental health professionals and psychologists as our understanding of these issues develops. 

Let’s hear it for our official day 1!