Days Without Incident: Four

Trigger warnings: mentions of retraumatization, and alludes to assault

How do you guys figure out what you want—or should I say need?—to post? Is there a certain criteria that a circumstance has to meet in order to warrant a blog post, or even just a diary entry? When you decide what you want to say, do you think about who it will affect? Are you worried that someone will be hurt by you sharing the story of how they hurt you? Do you wonder if your words have consequences even after they provide you comfort?

Half the battle of keeping these daily posts going is reminding myself that I have a right to tell my story. I can’t help but wonder if it’s unfair though. Should I be worried about what my abusers would say if they saw what I was not afraid to share? Or should I ignore these anxieties because, after all, they probably haven’t thought twice about the negative impacts of their actions and behavior? Do I need to change names? Lie about my abuser’s relationship to me? 

It’s difficult to decide what deserves your energy. I don’t have a therapist to tell me when I’m overworking a nerve. Am I retraumatizing myself by trying to understand the ways my past still bleeds into my daily life? Is it more harmful to devote my time to figuring out the truth behind why my fiance can’t touch my body without it feeling like he’s abusing his right to be intimate with me? Or would it be best if I continue to push those feelings down, suck it up, and sleep with him like a “normal” person?

I know enough about western psychologist’s ideas of what “normal” is to conclude that there isn’t a single “normal” person out there. We all have this intense baggage we are carrying around. For those of you who like to compare traumas; don’t. People are suffering all around you. They could be suffering from something that looks mundane to you, but in their reality—in the existence they’ve created for themselves—this roadblock has seriously derailed their life course that they saw for themselves. It’s important to be understanding and respectful of other people’s existences. Remember that your reality is as you’ve shaped it. Just because someone appears to be “overreacting” or even under reacting to something doesn’t mean they are abnormal in any way. They’re just different from you, which is a great thing. 

I hope that giving my past a place to bleed out on the page is more helpful than harmful. As I keep writing through it all, we will see how it unfolds—together. I want it to lift some of this pressure we all feel from our responsibilities, our societal duties, and from the general fucked-up-ness of the world these days. We don’t have to silence ourselves. Compliance kills. 

Thanks for stopping by on day 4!